Contemplative Moods Lead To Freer Minds

Okay so I have some pent up emotions and I really need to get them out while I am feeling them again.

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Do you know how many times I wanted to talk to my best friend about how betrayed I felt because of a certain situation..or how many times I wish could have told her that I cried...or that the night I found out I was set on suicide hell..I was set on suicide a week after found out and I had to go on pretending that I was happy. But you see I couldn't tell my best friend this because she was the reason I felt that way.

You know the really bad thing is I still cry over it at times. Pathetic I know but I believe it will be on my list as a hurt I can never get over no matter what I do or how much I do care for them. I can never get over how much it hurt...or the fact that I wasn't even considered when they made the choice....I'm not sure if Lauren knew this but I asked Tashe not to "date" her...I asked her the night she told me..after Lauren left. She asked me how I could ask that. In the back of my mind I thought how could I not ask that. I didn't want to happen...I wanted someone to stop and consider me. All I ever wanted was to be consider.

After the decision was made for them to date I was hurt...I told them I was happy for them. The only person who knew I wasn't happy for them was Dawn. She listened to me rant when Tashe threw Lauren in my face...calling Lauren her baby...or reading the comments they left each other on youtube or ones friends only entry on livejournal.

You know in the end maybe all I wanted is for them to realize hey friendships means more than relationships and they never did..and maybe that is why I still hurt sometimes.

One thing I can't fathom though is my best friend's choice in all of this. She knew how much I liked Tashe..she knew I wanted to die the night Tashe called it off...yet according to tashe just a week and a half after we broke up they hooked up....just a week and a fucking half. A week and half after hearing me say I wanted to die over the break does she go and do that. Now I'm sitting her wondering if I were in her position and if she told me she wanted to die over a break up would I go and hook up with her ex a week and half after...no. Because I would have known it would hurt her. I could have put aside how I felt because I wouldn't want to hurt my friend. Maybe I care for my friends than what they do for me...at least I feel that way in this situation.

I am really thankful I had Dawn though...she listened when I couldn't tell the one person I wanted to how I felt. She listened even when I was sure I was crazy. Basically she is the only one who hasn't screwed me over in one way or another and for that I'll cherish her friendship forever.

Another thing I've always found just a little wrong in this situation is how they both wanted me to be happy. Tashe told me the night she confessed about her and Lauren that they couldn't be happy til I was. Hello did they need a stupid sign telling them I was NEVER gonna be happy. They both knew at the time I still loved my ex...umm hello here if I still loved her I would not be happy that someone who I thought cared for me was dating her. Yeah I might have said I was happy..I NEVER WAS. Eventually it got easy to fake happiness for them. Just type in a few simple worlds and ta da I was believed.

It was hard sometimes to pretend I was happy. I mean I constantly had to hear how much Tashe loved Lauren. Had to here her call Lauren her baby. I even saw Lauren call her bb in a youtube comment and I believe even in a livejournal comment on Lauren's friends only cut thing.

I guess I'm finally able to get this out because they have broken up. Maybe I'm a bitch but a part of me feels better since Lauren has promised me she won't date her again...but I've also told Lauren that if she does date her again I'm gone for good from her life and from Tashe's life because I still would not be happy if they dated again. I could pretend like I did last time but that would just be harder to do.


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Thoughts

Okay so since the last time I updated my best friend and my ex have broken up. A part of me still is hurt over it. I guess I always will be. I mean how can I ever get over something like that? Also a part of me knows if they were to ever date again I would not be okay with it still. I'm positive that if they started dating again I would stop talking to both for good.