Update On the school thing

I decided I'd do an update on the school situation. On Tuesday I had to go to the community college and do a two hour test before I could get any of the software I need to do the courses for my diploma(all of the courses are done online and at my own pace). Today we go to pick up the software and find out how I did on that test. I'm hoping I did good. Espically in the math part because math definately was not my best subject.

Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday. I'm offically nineteen years old and gah what a year I had as eighteen. I experimented in new stuff and learned new things about myself. I also decided to go back to school and I go today to meet with a person to see what all I have to do to go back.

Update finally

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog and I have for awhile. But here is an update of sorts. On the 24th I believe it was of October I went with my cousin to her ultrasound and she found out the sex of the baby. She is having a boy. It was my first time going to an ultrasouund and wow. Just wow. Seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat make you know that is a living human and not just a fetus as some people would like to think.

Recommend a song Thursday

I felt the need to start recommending a song to the people who read this and what a better day to do it then Thursday huh lol. Well my first song being recommended is "Seize The Day" by Avenged Sevenfold. It is the only song I like by Avenged Sevenfold because it doesn't have any cussing in it and that is a plus in my book. I'm not for music that has tons of cussing in it. Also the video for the song is really sad and made me cry.


Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live In
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of Death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one Picture)

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna Die alone without you here,
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you, and the memories of Us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty, and cold without you here, too many people to Ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna Die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then Continues in the background]

I stand here alone
Falling away from me, no chance to get back home [x2]

Ear problems

Tomorow I have an appointment at the ear doctor to hopefully find out what is causing the non-stop ringing in my left ear. It has been ringing for almost five or six weeks and is really starting to bother me. I looked it up on the web and found something that I do believe it might be and if it is that then it is something I will have to live with but at least hopefully the doctor can help give me ways to minimize the ringing in my ear.

Update on Reading

I read most of the time yesterday and I am now on Chapter Seven. The book is rather interesting thus far. In the first chapter twins Artemis and Apolla are separated so their evil uncle Thantos can't find them. The second chapter starts fourteen years later and through all the chapters I've read it seems like they are on the course of meeting and finding each other. Which could mean trouble for them. Espically if their uncle finds them.

Kay so that is the run down so far. But I really stink at writing reviews haha. All I can do is hope that made some sense to people.

Reading

So I love to read. Always have since I was a little kid but it has been such a long time since I read a book and I'm gonna start again. I just miss reading so much. The first book I'm gonna start reading is called TWITCHES The Power of Two. It is a scholastic book and I'm a sucker for teenage books still. I think I always will like teen books even when I get out of my teens.

Sick Days

Okay so since Tuesday morning/afternoon I've been sick. I knew what it was right away. A bladder infection. I only knew this because I've had tons in the past. Well Tuesday night I developed a fever and aches all over. Wednesday morning I was fine and the fever was gone. I went to the doctor and he confirmed it was a bladder infection. He gave me medicine and I thought everything was fine til Wednesday night when the fever and aches returned.

Today there is no sign of a fever or aches and I hope it stays that way up into the night because I really hate being this sick with a bladder infection. Heck I just hate being sick in general.

Rantings Maybe

Okay so I guess I wanna touch on a subject that always makes me see red. When parents ignore their children. I have this one friend who is constantly and I mean constantly on the net yet she has a four year old son who to me seems to get the short end of the stick when it comes to her attention.

I mean gah I don't have kids but if I did I definately would not be spending all my time on the internet. I'd be spending time with my kids and doing stuff with them. The internet can wait but your kids can't. They grow before you know it...and obviously you were given them for a reason. Whether they were planned or not God gave you that kid to love and care for not neglect so you can be on the internet for all hours of the day.

Maybe I feel so passionately over this is because my mom is the same way. She is always on the internet. She is addicted I would say. She doesn't think she is but everyone in the family pretty much knows she is and I guess I don't want another kid knowing what it is like to have one of your parents not pay you attention because they are so addicted to the computer.

Sunday Bible Verse

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.-Luke 12:34(NIV)

Liberal Or Conservative?

So lately I've been having questions on my political affliation. Am I a liberal..or a conservative. For awhile now I've always been very liberal on certain issues but here lately it just seems the conservative in me is coming out and I don't really know what to do per say lol. It is all very new for me and I guess I don't know how to handle the new ground I am on.

Happy 17th birthday my sister

So yesterday was my sister's 17th birthday. It was also her first birthday since being in the training center. For those who don't know my sister has Cerbral Palsay and also characterstics of autism.

Since being in the training center she has made so much improvement. They took her feeding tube out and all of her food is now taken by mouth. She is also back in school. Our school system eventually had to stop with her because she got so hard to handle. Now she is doing alot better in the school system near where the training center is at.

She is also potty trained. They still have her in diapers because she is known to have an accident here and there but overall she is potty trained.

In all of this I am just amazed at how far she has come. I thank God everyday for what he has allowed her to do. He allowed her to live for one thing. She had so many complications as baby. So many that my parents even signed a do not resuscitate order. After they signed that though she stopped having spells where her heart stopped beati ng. God also allowed her to get into the training center when he did. I do believe had she not gone in Febuary that my mom and dad would have just gone crazy. She was getting just too hard to handle here at home.

So here is too her 17 years and may she have 17 more..and may she also keep improving with things. Maybe one day she can even talk..and maybe her first word will be dada since she is a daddy's girl, which is the reason for my first picture.

Tuesday Blues

So today I have been just feeling all over the place emotion wise. I'm not sure why really. It's just one of those days where I am blah.

I feel like I need to apologize to someone I've talked to probably seven or eight times. I'm not really sure why I feel this way or even what I have done that I need to apologize for but something is telling me to apologize to this person.

Has anyone ever felt this way before? Like you need to do something yet you don't know why.

Giving into the world

So this post is in response to Octamom's post where she asked if there was ever a time in which we stood against the current or if we went with the flow of what was going on around us.

Well basically I've always gave in and went with the flow..much like a follower. I have never once stood up for what I thought was right. Always giving into what my friends do whether it be wrong and doing what I know is wrong. For instance I have even done stuff I know is so wrong that I'm surprised I can face myself.

The two times I regret ever going with the current and following what my friends and even I'm gonna say the enemy thought was right. Because both of the things weren't godly or good. They were temptations that Satan sent and I gave into them sadly.

The first thing I gave into and didn't stand my ground on was Witchcraft. Yes I did try to practice that once...I'm not even sure how it all started. I saw a book for it in the bookstore at the mall and I felt compelled to buy it. Even though I think a part of me knew it was wrong I did so anyway and soon my life was basically this depressing life. I was holed away in my room reading books and searching the internet for more information on it. I would say this went on for a year or two and I would always turn down offers to go to church from friends and even from my own mom. I know now that it was wrong and I should have listened to my mom when she said not to buy it..but one of my friends at the time was into it and too be cool in her eyes I gave in.

The second thing I gave into was Lesbianism. I had friends who were lesbians and also the Lesbian/Gay/Transgender stuff is all over the media now days and again I thought it was cool and gave into something I knew was wrong. I told people it was because I had been burnt by men too many times. But with tons of praying now that I am over that phase I realize I did it so I could fit in with my friends and look cool and sort of in a way different. While I was calling myself a lesbian I even had "girlfriend". She was over the internet because she lives all the way in New Zealand. I hate to say this but I regret dating her and even becoming friends with her. I'm doing all I can now to get her out of my life but she seems to never wanna leave.

Now that I have done those two things I know what real regret is. I regret those and all I can do is pray that I never fall in those traps again. I believe I can stay strong against those traps now because I know in me that they aren't right and they make me feel less closer to God. They also make me feel like I have lost a part of me because I was always taught they were wrong as a child in church.

Sunday Bible verse

so I decided that I should start to put up Bible verse's every Sunday.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.-2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

Taking soda pop out of the diet

Okay so on Tuesday I made the decision to take soda pop out of my diet for good. It just isn't healthy and I wanna go towards a more healthy lifestyle. Being three or so days into the life of no soda pop has been very hard. Ask anyone who knows me and you would know I am addicted to soda pop, mainly Coke A Cola. I'm hoping I can get through this and not crave pop.

Children..to be or not to be

Basically all of my life I have had this love/hate relationship with wanting kids. Some days I want to have my own one day and others I just think no way. I don't like kids and I wouldn't be able to deal with them. But here lately I've been doing alot of thinking and I've decided that I want to have seven children. I just feel in my heart that I'm supposed to have seven children.

But there is one thing that can hold me back.I probably have PCOS. For people who don't know what that is it is polycystic ovarion syndrome. The doctors thought I had it when I was in middle school and I went for an ultrasound but basically they couldn't really tell anything by that. But they did do tests and found out I have a high amount of testosterone and very low insulin. Even though it didn't show I had it I am pretty sure I do because I go for months on end without periods and I'm pretty sure I am not pregnant because I am proudly waiting til marriage to do anything.

So the fact that I Do want kids and the fact that I might have PCOS and not be able to do that has me slightly down. Right now I have a sixteen year old cousin who is pregnant and I'm really bonding with her because maybe for now that is the only way I can be somewhat of a mother since right now the chances of me having kids are slim to none.

Contemplative Moods Lead To Freer Minds

Okay so I have some pent up emotions and I really need to get them out while I am feeling them again.

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Do you know how many times I wanted to talk to my best friend about how betrayed I felt because of a certain situation..or how many times I wish could have told her that I cried...or that the night I found out I was set on suicide hell..I was set on suicide a week after found out and I had to go on pretending that I was happy. But you see I couldn't tell my best friend this because she was the reason I felt that way.

You know the really bad thing is I still cry over it at times. Pathetic I know but I believe it will be on my list as a hurt I can never get over no matter what I do or how much I do care for them. I can never get over how much it hurt...or the fact that I wasn't even considered when they made the choice....I'm not sure if Lauren knew this but I asked Tashe not to "date" her...I asked her the night she told me..after Lauren left. She asked me how I could ask that. In the back of my mind I thought how could I not ask that. I didn't want to happen...I wanted someone to stop and consider me. All I ever wanted was to be consider.

After the decision was made for them to date I was hurt...I told them I was happy for them. The only person who knew I wasn't happy for them was Dawn. She listened to me rant when Tashe threw Lauren in my face...calling Lauren her baby...or reading the comments they left each other on youtube or ones friends only entry on livejournal.

You know in the end maybe all I wanted is for them to realize hey friendships means more than relationships and they never did..and maybe that is why I still hurt sometimes.

One thing I can't fathom though is my best friend's choice in all of this. She knew how much I liked Tashe..she knew I wanted to die the night Tashe called it off...yet according to tashe just a week and a half after we broke up they hooked up....just a week and a fucking half. A week and half after hearing me say I wanted to die over the break does she go and do that. Now I'm sitting her wondering if I were in her position and if she told me she wanted to die over a break up would I go and hook up with her ex a week and half after...no. Because I would have known it would hurt her. I could have put aside how I felt because I wouldn't want to hurt my friend. Maybe I care for my friends than what they do for me...at least I feel that way in this situation.

I am really thankful I had Dawn though...she listened when I couldn't tell the one person I wanted to how I felt. She listened even when I was sure I was crazy. Basically she is the only one who hasn't screwed me over in one way or another and for that I'll cherish her friendship forever.

Another thing I've always found just a little wrong in this situation is how they both wanted me to be happy. Tashe told me the night she confessed about her and Lauren that they couldn't be happy til I was. Hello did they need a stupid sign telling them I was NEVER gonna be happy. They both knew at the time I still loved my ex...umm hello here if I still loved her I would not be happy that someone who I thought cared for me was dating her. Yeah I might have said I was happy..I NEVER WAS. Eventually it got easy to fake happiness for them. Just type in a few simple worlds and ta da I was believed.

It was hard sometimes to pretend I was happy. I mean I constantly had to hear how much Tashe loved Lauren. Had to here her call Lauren her baby. I even saw Lauren call her bb in a youtube comment and I believe even in a livejournal comment on Lauren's friends only cut thing.

I guess I'm finally able to get this out because they have broken up. Maybe I'm a bitch but a part of me feels better since Lauren has promised me she won't date her again...but I've also told Lauren that if she does date her again I'm gone for good from her life and from Tashe's life because I still would not be happy if they dated again. I could pretend like I did last time but that would just be harder to do.


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Thoughts

Okay so since the last time I updated my best friend and my ex have broken up. A part of me still is hurt over it. I guess I always will be. I mean how can I ever get over something like that? Also a part of me knows if they were to ever date again I would not be okay with it still. I'm positive that if they started dating again I would stop talking to both for good.

and I don't think they'd understand

Okay so on Sunday the person I have a crush on sorta found out. I never meant for them to find out through someone else or even find out at this time. If their is one thing I'm good at it's knowing when things aren't right and this just wasn't the right time. Mainly because the person is dating a mutual friend whom I care for.

I never meant to develop this crush but I did. I did and now I'm screwed because I have these emotions that just complicate things. I guess I realized I had these feelings a little over two months ago but I do believe I've had them longer. I just ignored them because I didn't think this person would be interested in being with a female. I never knew they went that way.

Obviously I found out they did when they dated my ex. Not long after that was when I woke up to these feelings I had kept buried inside. I felt more and still feel more than anyone knows. A part of me wishes the person who had told my crush would have kept their mouth shut because now it just makes things worse for me. It makes it worse knowing she doesn't feel the same. It makes it worse knowing she's dating my ex. It actually sorta crushes the crush it seems if that makes any sense.

Speaking of crushing the crush. Having your ex always mention how happy your current crush makes them is also a slap in the face. A cold hard slap in the face. All in all life's a bitch and she's just another crush who will never be more than a crush. Maybe I'm just getting fed up with all my crushes being just that. Maybe it's bad I actually felt more for her than I did the others. Maybe this is why it hurts more.

But I'm gonna end this now because it seems my ability to cry has taken over and I've become a babbling mess of a fool. A fool in love(sorry was qouting a song here).

PS. As I wrote this I think I remembered the day I first realized I liked her. It was October 11,2007. Only she would know what happened that day.

Return to Innocence

So I've been doing some thinking on religion lately. As some close to me know going to church and staying in church has always been a hard thing for me to do. I think I've come to realize it has more to do with me not feeling a close relationship with god wherever we go. I feel like God is calling me to convert to something else. Something of course that would still have God in it. I'm not ready to say what it is yet but I do believe he wants me to convert.
I mean I know I'm stubborn sometimes and sometimes do things on my own but this time I can say with being certain this is God calling me to do it. I'll update everyone later after I pray more over it and get a for sure answer on it.
On another note starting to day I'm gonna try to stop my cussing by limiting it. I think a change is coming into my life.

My introduction

I'm really new to this and not sure what I should say. I guess I will give the basic's. I'm 18 years old as of December 1, 1989. My parents are married and have been for 19 going on 20 years this July. I have one younger sister who has cerebral palsy. On Tuesday she is going into our local training center to stay. Basically she is going there because my parents can not care for her as she needs anymore. She is getting too hard to handle and I believe by going in the training center God will make her learn new things. She is a very smart girl even though she has cerebal palsy...there are some things she knows that would blow everyone's mind. I do believe in my heart that one day God has a plan for her.

Besides the people who I live with I have a great-aunt who lives in another state. I go and stay with her every summer. She has a husband and two sons who live in that state as well. Her oldest son though lives here in this state. Her kids are like the brothers I never had and I know I'm like the sister they never had.